“Why do I do the things I don’t want to do? If it meant going to HELL, then would you fight the devil? How do you expect to fight the demons when it comes down to sacrificing your life for the LOVE OF JESUS? Your daily life is what you need to focus on. Do good not bad and stay focused. Fight with all your might! So far, your daily life is totally out of control. You must stop doing these things! My mother has severed all ties with me. I really need to do this on my own. I want so badly to be successful making good decisions, being motivated, enthusiastic and joyful. I can’t do this anymore. I do things and endure things that I can’t believe I do. Day after day, my life and my contributions to life are worthless. I can’t see any way out! Major changes have to take place. I’m so unhappy all the time. Even the good times are not remembered. My thoughts and feelings are very, very grim all the time. I’m consumed by dread and gloom. HELL on earth! Everything that matters to me I totally neglect and ignore. I hate myself for being like this. My subconscious eats at me. How do I make up my mind to just do it? Make plans, set goals, do your chores, fix things, be responsible, be organized and busy. I have no emotions except for sadness. I want love in my dreary existence and hope for a bright future. I have no hope, no emotions. I’m stuck in this life and I can’t seem to stay strong, to fight demons. I’m a good person yet not good enough to exist. I’m surrounded by anger and filth. Never feeling loved. This is my LIFE! There is no love. I’ve got to be surrounded by love. It’s time to get real. The reality of your life is living your life for Jesus. The key to real life. An abundance of happiness, overflowing with love, so much you almost can’t stand it. Do good not bad, simple. Do good not bad. Be real and true. BE good not bad. Set some goals and follow through! Be real. Even the little things mean a lot. Just do it! Don’t be a fool. You know what to do. Life…it’s real! But afterlife is more real. It’s everlasting!”
This was me close to 6 years ago. I recently found some scrap pieces of paper I had written these words on and it really struck me hard. I wrote them during a very dark time in my life of addiction. It wasn’t long after I wrote these words that I called the Renewal Center asking for the help I so desperately needed. I needed to get away from that life and start a new one. I am overwhelmingly emotional as I write this because I truly realize what a miracle God has done in my life. From the moment I entered Renewal, my life was changed! Praise God, praise God! He is a miracle worker and He is using Miracle Hill’s Renewal Center to love the hopeless and the loveless. Praise God my life is a miracle! I am so grateful and thankful for what He is doing and has done for me. I am now fighting the devil and his demons and I have victory each and every day living a life that is full of hope, being motivated, enthusiastic, responsible, joyful and full life! I’m ready now for the reality of everlasting life! Praise God! If He did it for me, He can do it for you too, whatever the circumstances!
Here’s what I also found that I had written shortly after graduating the Renewal Program. I just love this!
“It seems there have been things pressed upon me that have stood out.: 1. Love, don’t fear 2. My love for God has to be so huge compared to my relationships. 3. The Lord wants to use you to bless others. 4. Don’t base your decisions on emotions. (Satan’s tool) 5. Be after the things of the spirit not the flesh 6. God searches my heart and knows the mind of my Spirit 7. All things work together for those who love God. 8. He has called me for His purpose. 9. Nothing will separate me from the Love of God.”
New International Version (NIV)
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.